If you don’t have a dad that says crazy shit, I would highly consider adopting yourself out. Crazy dad talk is one of the best reasons for having a dad, need some evidence? Check out “20 Best Shit My Dad Says Quotes”…
“How the f*ck should I know if it’s still good? Eat it. You get sick, it wasn’t good. You people, you think I got microscopic f*cking eyes.”
“He’s a politician. It’s like being a hooker. You can’t be one unless you can pretend to like people while you’re f*cking them.”
“You came out of your mom looking like shit. She thought you were beautiful. Don’t know what scared me most, your looks or her judgment.”
“You don’t have to be good to succeed. You just gotta be the least shitty option. Example: We’re eating at The Olive Garden.”
“Put the rake down. I don’t wanna sit around watching you ‘give it your best.’ Either stop sucking or get the f*ck out of the way.”
“See, you think I give a shit. Wrong. In fact, while you talk, I’m thinking; How can I give less of shit? That’s why I look interested.”
“No. Humans will die out. We’re weak. Dinosaurs survived on rotten flesh. You got diarrhea last week from a Wendy’s.”
“Engagement rings are pointless. Indians gave cows…Oh sorry, congrats on proposing. We good now? Can I finish my indian story?”
“There’s a word for people like that…No, I’m saying, there’s a word and I don’t know what it is. I’m not being f*cking poetic.”
“STOP apologizing. You’re sorry, he gets it, Jesus. You spilled a glass of wine, not f*cked his wife.”
“You can watch the house while I’m gone. Just don’t call me unless something’s on fire, and don’t screw in my bed.”
“I don’t want your advice, you’re 27 f*cking years old…Fine. I don’t want your advice, you’re 29 f*cking years old.”
“Sprain, huh? Did you go to medical school?… Well I did, so spare me your dog-shit diagnosis and lemme look at your ankle.”
“The whole world is fueled by bullshit… What? The kid asked me for advice on his science fair project so I’m giving it to him.”
“Everybody’s broke, so here’s the rule for Christmas this year; if you still shit your pants, you get a present. Otherwise tough shit.”
“Why would i want to check a voicemail on my cell phone? People want to talk to me, call again. If i want to talk to you, I’ll answer.”
“Love this Mrs. Dash. The bitch can make spices… Jesus, Joni (my mom) it’s a joke. I was making a joke! Mrs. Dash isn’t even real dammit!”
“I just did an hour on the gym machine. I’m sweaty and I have to shit. Where’s my fannypack, this workout is over.”
“Everyone thinks their opinion matters. Don’t argue with a nobody. A farmer doesn’t bother telling a pig his breath smells like shit.”
“No. I want the salad…Live a little? I’m ordering lunch. I don’t have a choice between salad or f*cking skydiving.”
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